I’m starting to go back to that depressed state of mind.
I hate when my mind wanders back. Where I start questioning everything going on in my life. Will my uncle be okay? Will my dad find another job? Will we make it thru? Will I graduate on time? All of these things.
And then when I think about Gabriel and I…it make me even more upset. After everything that he’s told me, I literally just feel mind fucked. How can someone I’ve been with for so long continue to LIE and CHEAT on me repeatedly with the same girl. What killed me even more was how he did cheat on me the night before giving me a promise ring. I get upset thinking “I thought he changed. He’d tell me he wanted to marry me one day”. I never will understand the logic that goes through his mind. ever. I had told myself in the past that if he had cheated on me one more time that that was it. But here I am, still talking to him acting like we’re together without the label bc I’m not ready. I believe that he does have feelings for me but not enough to settle with me. At least not any time soon. I’ve mentioned this to him and of course just insists that he does want to be with me bc I’m “it”. Thing is, he’s told me these things before. Before he cheated. So what difference does it make now? His excuses for his actions are typical on how he was “stupid” and that he regrets it. He says he knows he won’t hurt me now but I’m not emotionally prepared to take him back and continue this cycle of heartache. It’s not worth it. I know I’ve done my wrong too in cheating but I’ve never slept with someone while being with him. I wouldn’t even think about it. I think having sex with someone is 10x worse but he insists cheating is cheating.
-sigh- I just want to be happy.